Roy Exum: The Saturday Funnies

Saturday, December 9, 2017 - by Roy Exum
Roy Exum
Roy Exum

It is purported that “The Letter from The Sick Bed” came from the hand of Steve Jobs, CEO of Apple, and while I can find no evidence this is true, its message is one we should never ignore in this week’s version of “The Saturday Funnies.” It has become my custom to collect the good things and funny things that come from my friends on the Internet each week.

In most cases I have no idea who originally wrote these but the fact they make me laugh and think and learn is a good way to end each week – happier, smarter and wiser. So here is “A letter from a Sick Bed” that I find delightful:

"I reached the pinnacle of success in the business world. In others’ eyes, my life is an epitome of success. However, aside from work, I have little joy. In the end, wealth is only a fact of life that I am accustomed to.

“At this moment, lying on the sick bed and recalling my whole life, I realize that all the recognition and wealth that I took so much pride in, have paled and become meaningless in the face of impending death.

“You can employ someone to drive the car for you, make money for you but you cannot have someone to bear the sickness for you.  Material things lost can be found. But there is one thing that can never be found when it is lost – health and life itself.

“When a person goes into the operating room, he will realize that there is one book that he has yet to finish reading – "Book of Healthy Life". Whichever stage in life we are at right now, with time, we will face the day when the curtain comes down.

“Treasure love for your family, love for your spouse, love for your friends. Treat yourself well. Cherish others. As we grow older, and hence wiser, we slowly realize that wearing a $300 or $30 watch - - they both tell the same time; whether we carry a $300 or $30 handbag - - the amount of money inside is the same; whether we drink a bottle of $300 or $10 wine - - the hangover is the same; whether the house we live in is 3,000 or 300 square feet -- loneliness is the same.

“You will realize, your true inner happiness does not come from the material things of this world. Whether you fly first or economy class, if the plane goes down -- you go down with it.

“I hope you realize, when you have mates, buddies and old friends, brothers and sisters, who you chat with, laugh with, talk with, have sing songs with, talk about north-south-east-west or heaven and earth – that is true happiness.

FIVE UNDENIABLE FACTS OF LIFE

1. Don't educate your children to be rich. Educate them to be happy so when they grow up they will know the value of things not the price.

2. Best awarded words in London ... "Eat your food as your medicines. Otherwise you have to eat medicines as your food."

3. The one who loves you will never leave you for another because even if there are 100 reasons to give up, he or she will find one reason to hold on.

4. There is a big difference between a human being and being human. Only a few really understand it.

5. You are loved when you are born. You will be loved when you die. In between, you have to manage!

NOTE: If you just want to walk fast, walk alone! But if you want to walk far, walk together!

THE SIX BEST DOCTORS IN THE WORLD

1. Sunlight

2. Rest

3. Exercise

4. Diet

5. Self Confidence

6. Friends

Maintain them in all stages of life and you will enjoy a healthy life.

* * *

‘THE DUMBEST KID IN THE WORLD? PLEASE!’

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?"

The boy takes the two quarters and leaves.

"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"

After the customer leaves the barber shop, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store with his newly purchased ice cream cone.

"Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the two quarters instead of the dollar bill?"

The boy licked his cone, smiled, and replied in a sly way, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over."

* * *

HOW A HOMELESS WOMAN GOT A GRAND DINNER

A well-dressed lady was approached by a homeless woman one day on the street. The homeless woman asked for a few dollars for something to eat. The lady pulled a $10 from her purse and then asked the woman, "If I give you this, are you going to buy wine instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to give up drinking a long time ago," said the woman.

"Well, if I give you this, are you going to go shopping for clothes instead of eating?"

"No way. It is all I can do just to stay alive on the streets."

"Well, if I give you this, are you going to get your hair done instead of having a meal?"

"No, I have not even washed my hair in over a month. Why would I do that, I am just hungry."

"Well," said the lady, "I am not going to give you this $10. Instead I am going to take you to dinner with my husband and me tonight."

The woman said, "Are you sure you want to do that? I am so dirty and I smell awful."

"Oh, that's OK. My husband needs to see what happens to a woman who gives up wine, shopping and having her hair done!"

* * *

A ‘SWEET SIXTEEN’ IN LIFE LESSONS

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved and never will achieve its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

5. You should not confuse your career with your life.

6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

7. Never lick a steak knife.

8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

13. A person who is nice to you but rude to a waiter is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)

14. Your friends love you anyway.

15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

16. Men are like fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to the women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

royexum@aol.com



Kyle Hedrick For Circuit Court Judge

I am writing to publicly offer my endorsement of Kyle Hedrick for Circuit Court Judge.  Kyle has already shown that he has the temperament needed for this seat.  He rose to the top during the governor’s selection process and anyone that has been around him can understand why.  Selection of a judge should be done with several things in mind.  I have found ... (click for more)

Roy Exum: Unmask Brain Injuries

I have a special friend, a real special guy who had a childhood others would envy. One night during a party at his University of Alabama fraternity, he and some other brothers threw a thug out who was trying to crash the party. Who would have ever guessed the jerk would come back with a butcher knife and slam the business end through the promising kid’s brain. After weeks of touch-and-go, ... (click for more)

Federal Jury Finds Gillispie Guilty Of 6 Counts In Sex Trafficking Case

A federal jury on Wednesday morning found Corrie Gillispie guilty of six counts in his sex trafficking trial. Gillispie was ruled guilty of two counts of sex trafficking, two counts of kidnapping, one count of transporting a person across state lines for prostitution, and one count of money laundering.  The panel found him not guilty of another charge of transporting ... (click for more)

Attorney Says There Was No Valid Reason To Euthanize Monteagle Family's Pet Raccoon Boomer

A Chattanooga attorney who specializes in wildlife cases says there was no valid reason for health officials to have euthanized a pet raccoon belonging to a family in Monteagle. Candace Bone said the family had owned "Boomer" for three years after getting her from an approved raccoon farm. She said, "We are all devastated. He was just like a baby to us. Boomer slept between ... (click for more)

Lady Mustangs Dump Lady Owls, 2-0, On Frost's Two-Run Homer In Seventh Inning

CLEVELAND, Tenn. – After chasing Ooltewah in the District 5-3A softball standings this season, Walker Valley is now the chasee after Wednesday’s 2-0 victory over the Lady Owls on Carissa Frost’s game-winning two-run homer with two out in the seventh inning. “It’s a huge win for us and our program,” Walker Valley coach Lauren Limburg said.   The diminutive Frost, ... (click for more)

Painter's Game-Winning Hit Lifts Red Bank, 6-5

I’m sure you’ve heard the classic line of “It’s not over until it’s over” and also the one about “it’s not over until the fat lady sings.” Take your pick, but either one would have applied as that was certainly the case at the Red Bank softball field Wednesday evening. The Lionettes won the game with the Whitwell Lady Tigers by a final score of 6-5, but it took nine innings ... (click for more)